Ok, so another thing I have to admit is that I watch the view. I LOVE the View. To me, even though they go off on these ridiculous tangents, there is something wonderful in a show of all women discussing many very relevant issues of the day.

Well, today, they started talking about the whole Rhianna and Chris Brown situation. First off, I am sick and tired of see this everywhere. I think it is an issue that should be discussed because it could help to shine light on all the domestic abuse that happens in our world. However, I can't handle shows flashing the horrible picture that the ever-so-lovely TMZ got their discussing little grubby hands on. It is just disturbing. TMZ is exploiting a woman and what she wants to be a private situation in order to increase their number of viewers. Fuck off.

But anyway, so off of this topic, the women on the View started talking about the problem with a lack of self-confidence in teenage women today. Oh the ever-so-closed minded and hypocritical Elizabeth started discussing the fact that women need to "honor their bodies" and take control of them. (haha she sounds pretty pro-choice if you ask me (if she only knew)). Well she goes on to say that basically a woman cannot honor her body if she chooses to have sex at a "young" age because somehow that is a man taking control over her. Now this just pissed me right off. How dare someone assume that a woman is not IN FACT taking control and honoring her body by having sex. She is a conscious being who is capable of making educated decisions on her own. I just am so tired of people assuming that a woman is not capable of making these decisions on her own. So frustrating....

Today is going to be a long day with thoughts like these running in my mind all day....

American Idol

Ok, so I admit it. I watch American Idol. Part of the reason is because it serves as excellent bonding time with my roommate, but I will admit it, I enjoy it. However, tonight definitely pissed me off.

Hopefully people will post some of the performances/comments on youtube. Take a few minutes and listen to what the wonderful judges had to say about Jeanine's performance. Ok, so there's no doubt that she butchered a Maroon 5 song. But seriously, all they were talking about were her legs and her lips. How fucking disgusting. I understand the whole pairing a negative comment with a positive one, but the only positive thing they had to say was incredibly sexist. They tore her apart as a person, and she, as a person, was being defined solely by a "hot pair of legs." Vomit.

And I am sick and tired of the gay jokes between Ryan and Simon. Double vomit. The two of them are attempting to put each other down, and the only way they can do so is by attempting to make their sexuality a joke. I just can't even handle it. I can't handle one man attempting to put down another in this way.

This is definitely not on the same track as American Idol, but I am frustrated. I can't stand it when men put other men down by calling them "woman, pussy, cunt, gay, fag, etc." It is so damn misogynistic it makes me sick. Seriously, the only way that you can put another guy down is to call him either gay or to equate him to a woman. Talk about pissing me off. Apparently the worst thing a guy can say to another guy is to call him a woman. Wow...I had no idea it was so horrible to have been born female....

Vomit.

Correspondences

So this morning I have yet to read any articles that have pissed me off, frustrated me, made me sad, or evoked any feeling worth reading about. However, this morning was a morning of correspondences. After reading a much awaited email from a good friend, I got thinking.

I truly have AMAZING people in my life.

I have been absolutely blessed (hmmm....I need to evaluate my use of this word) with an amazing group of friends. Currently we are spread literally all around the world. The number of people that have touched my life and helped to mold me into some sort of a decent person is astounding. Former professors, bosses, extended "family", pledge sisters, college friends and roommates, travel buddies...

My college roommates always joke that I could write an incredibly fascinating book about the dating life of a 20-something girl. Ha the joke is that over all my "dating" years I have met some of the most amazing people. Guys from all over the world and guys who want to change the world. Haha I also have some incredibly funny stories about unknowingly dating a complete coke head hahaha!!! (Rach and Erin thought you two would laugh at this part)

But so much more interesting than a book about just my relationship encounters, I find my amazing friendships even more intresting. Maybe I just woke up in a great mood because I was wide awake at 7 this morning and the SUN WAS SHINING into my bedroom. Maybe this Caribou coffee is so much better than Folgers that it perked me up. Maybe I was still in a good mood after a fun night of laughing with the roommate.

Regardless of the reason, I just wanted to put it out there that I know some of the most amazing people. They have somehow accepted me despite all my blazing faults. They have been there for me through some absolutely ridiculously hard struggles. They have been my crutch and sanity more times than I could even start to guess. They have challenged me, been honest with me, opened my eyes to SO many different opinions, inspired me and loved me.

Behind every strong woman is a gang of other amazingly strong women (and men).

If anyone wants some book suggestions, here is what I am working on currently.

"Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates" Tom Robbins has not let me down in this one. He is just so original and so hilarious. LOVE HIM!

Finishing up "Palm Sunday" which is just a collection of Vonnegut speeches and essays. The world is not the same without his brilliant mind. (And the brilliant mind of George Carlin - we lost two pretty amazing dissenting opinions in the past couple years....so sad)

Still working my way through "Female Chauvanist Pigs" by Ariel Levy. It is a really easy read, but I am just struggling with understanding her perspective.

My huge bookshelf is taunting me with the number of books up there that still need to be read! But, even worse, I have a gift card to Borders that I am definitely going to go spend soon. Oh and for what it's worth, don't go to borders or barnes and noble (I'm a hypocrite huh? just because I have a gift card!). Find your local used bookstore and go there. I have my favorite in the city and go there pretty much weekly. You'll meet some amazing people and find some great finds for only a few dollars!

Ok...so I had no intention of writing again today, but the reality of it all is that this blog is proving to be incredibly therapeutic for me and I am learning more and more about myself through it all.

Well, obviously I am writing again. And therefore something had to provoke me to fire up the computer. Well, I stepped outside of my apartment earlier waiting for Sarah to pick me up. While waiting for the car to pull up, a man smiles at me. He has a handful of pamplets. He walks over and hands one to me. Not surprisingly, it is a pamplet titled "God's Simple Plan of Salvation." He says "I wouldn't want you to miss out on the single most important thing in your life." I read the title, and as both an atheist and an environmentalist, I incredibly politely just try to hand it back to him. Not being rude or inconsiderate in the least. I just hated to waste one of his pamplets on me. There could be someone else walking down the street that would put it to better use than I would. But, he gives me this smirk and says, "I think you need this and you wouldn't want to miss this opportunity to save yourself."

Now, like I said, I am an atheist. I try not to use the term "non-believer" because I don't believe it is an accurate representation of myself. The connotation of "nonbeliever" is that the only belief that exists is a belief in god. I "believe" in a number of things. I believe in the power of love. I believe in humanity. I believe in myself. I believe in peace. I believe in a number of things.

I also want to just put it out there that I have NO problems with any person based on his/her religion. The vast majority of my friends would be considered quite religious. They are all amazing people that I have had a number of long and intense conversations. We have a mutual respect for one another. I do not try to convert them to atheism, and they do not try to convert me to Christianity. I have also attempted the religious thing for myself a number of times. I have taken part in a busy-persons retreat, and I did not walk out of it feeling any closer to god or Jesus. I did leave with a friendship with a wonderful woman Sister Anna. I have been to church a number of times, and I have felt a wonderful feeling of community. It is powerful to have a room full of people believing in something together. However, I have always left those services feeling closer to humanity than to a god. Religion is awesome and works for a lot of people, just not me.

So, with that preface, I have to go back to this pamplet. I tried not to be offended by the chance encounter. I tried not to be offended by the man's smirk like he was better than me. I tried not to be offended by the words in this pamplet telling me that I was condemned to an eternity in "hell." Even more importantly, I tried not to be offended by this pamplet stating that anyone who does not believe in Jesus Christ as the son of god is condemned to an eternity in hell. But here's the thing. I am offended.

I find it incredibly hard to believe that a god who preaches the power of love would condemn anyone to a life of "hell:" especially moral individuals who either believe in a different god or who chose not to believe in a religion. I just find the whole concept of passing out pamplets that say I am going to hell completely unneccesary. An obvious "scare-tactic" such as this is not going to put me in a church (oh yes, did I forget to mention that this was a pamplet for a particular church - no alterior motives at all for this pamplet).

I recently read this book entitled "Lamb" by Christopher Moore. Now, this is an incredibly humorous approach to the topic, but Moore attempts to explain the missing 30 years of Jesus's life. In this incredibly funny and idealistic portrayal, Moore shows Jesus traveling the world with his best friend Biff, taking lessons and concepts from the other amazing religious leaders around the world. How wonderfully idealistic. Unity among all the religions....simply beautiful...

One final idea. I have always said that I think religion has this amazing way of providing individuals with this amazing sense of unity and community. It brings people together. It makes you feel as though you are part of something larger than yourself. Let's face it. Life can be painful, brutish and short. It is lonely. Painfully lonely at times. Vonnegut once said "Any time I see a person fleeing from reason and into religion, I think to myself, There goes a peson who simply cannot stand being so goddamned lonely anymore." Now I don't think I am as strong in my convictions as Vonnegut was (he had a few more decades on me...give me time), but I see his point. This world is a painfully lonely place. Religion helps to fill that void for a lot of people, and that is amazing. It strengthens them and gives them hope. I love that. I think religion can be such an amazing thing. However, it is just not for me. I fill that lonely void through a bus ride, a walk down a busy street, an afternoon in a park, a good book.

To each their own, but goodness, it concerns me that people are still passing out condescending pamplets telling people that if they do not believe in a Christian god and if they do not "save" themselves that they are going to hell.....

I am going to keep hoping for a new day.

Incessant Apologizing

So I am addicted to feministing.com. Honestly, very few things make me both concurrently elated and pissed off at the same time. Feministing.com is definitely one of those things.

This morning, I decided to pamper myself a bit by not immediately tackling my mile-long to do list, and instead, I brewed some Caribou coffee (one of the perks of the job ha), turned on some Ani and sat down in front of my computer screen.

Like always, feministing.com failed to let me down. First off, everyone should read this speech if you get a few minutes about the rise of the so-called "hook-up culture" on college campuses. It is absolutely brilliant and brings up a number of interesting issues and contradictions that face women every day. Check it out here: http://www.feministing.com/archives/013806.html#more

But while checking out the newest posts, I came across this article that truly touched home (a little more than every other article...). You can read it here if you are interested:
http://community.feministing.com/2009/02/stop-apologizing.html

But basically, here's the thing. Everyone who knows me well ends up commenting on the number of times I apologize. I always have attributed it to being brought up in a very polite family and just not wanting to unnecessarily ruffle any feathers. Why not just apologize and smooth over the situation? Well, after reading this article, I have actually started thinking about the real reasons as to why I apologize so damn much. I'm not joking you. The number of times I say "sorry" in a day could probably rival the number of times Bush mispronounced Iraq throughout his time in office.

So, I am actually taking this to heart. I'm done unnecessarily apologizing for EXISTING. I am allowed to walk, to breath, to speak, to exist. It is not something I should apologize. Much like the article states, if I do something actually "wrong" and harmful, I most certainly will apologize sincerely. However, I am going to actually make a promise to myself to stop apologizing for no reason. I am stronger than that. I realized that the reasons that I actually apologize so much are not because of my polite upbringing or anything of that sort. I, for approximately 20 years of my life, have viewed myself as inferiority to everyone around me. In my head everyone in the world is more welcome to the ground I walk on than I am. Everyone else has every right to voice his or her opinions, except me. Well, those days are limited.

I mean, take last night for example. I was on the phone with a wonderful friend, and I got on this huge sidebar. I talked for approximately 5 minutes straight about something that I assumed the other person didn't necessarily want to hear. However, it was something that had been bothering me about our relationship for a while, and it made me feel better to get it out there. It was not in any way mean or hurtful. My tirade was actually full of compliments and desires. However, because silence followed, I immediately began apologizing for voicing my opinion. Well, after reading this article, I am realizing how ridiculous that is....So, I'm not sorry. Whew...In some strange way I feel better.

It is amazing how empowering it can be to own your thoughts and feelings and not feel sorry for them....

Anxious thoughts on Valentine's Day

So last weekend was Valentine's Day. Now don't get me wrong. I definitely think that Valentine's Day is completely exploited and devoid of any real "romantic" meaning. However, despite anyone's best attempts, the amazing marketing power of our capitalistic society forces thoughts of "love" and "lust" into our minds. It got me thinking about past Valentine's days.

Oddly enough, the only one I could really think of was one while I was in high school. Back in the CM days, I was blessed enough to have a wonderful group of friends. Who would have thought that so many wonderful people would take in a horribly nerdy, up tight girl like myself. Well, despite appropriate rationale, I became enmeshed in this tight-knit group of fabulous friends. One Valentines day, we decided to exchange gifts amongst ourselves.

Talk about making you feel loved on Valentine's day: a group of friends celebrating the friendly love that existed between us all. Just wonderful.

Still to this day, that Valentine's day was surrounded by a little bit of secrecy and intrigue. Someone had put a rose and a note in my mailbox. Now I don't remember what the note said. I bet if I looked hard enough in my old bedroom tucked in some shoebox I could probably find it. However, what has stuck with me is the feeling. I don't know if I ever told anyone about this rose other than my family members. I was so scared that it was a joke. That someone was pulling a prank on me.

Needless to say I was not the most popular girl in high school. Much like a lot of girls who did not find themselves in the world of cheerleading or post-football game bonfires, I was the end of a few hateful high school "pranks" by the "popular" kids. Now don't get me wrong. If I were to go back to high school (ugh someone help me) I wouldn't change a thing. As I already mentioned, I was blessed with this fabulous group of friends, an amazing first love, (at the time) a decently happy family life, and enough ambition to take on the world. Wouldn't change it for anything. But how sad is it that one of the few times in my life I felt that amazing feeling of being secretly desired by someone, I couldn't let myself be excited out of fear of being the butt of someone's joke yet again? Thankfully, I have come a long way since then.

This Valentine's Day I didn't receive any secret roses hidden in my mailbox (ha in a different mailbox however, I did receive an Obama action figure - I think my desires and fancies have change a bit since I was sixteen because I still got that same feeling in my stomach). This Valentine's Day came and went without much of anything. However, I did do some reflecting. And in that reflecting, I have come to the almost complete rejection of this "holiday." Now, I don't think I'm bitter or jaded. I think I am much more realistic. I try to be grounded. I try to look at this world full of anxiety. I try to be honest with myself. Now, I am still a hopeless romantic. I am a sucker for flowers (preferably ones that are grown by a neighbor or friend and not cultivated somewhere far removed from me through the suffering of others). Plus, chocolate is probably my best friend.

I can't in good confidence say that I am not going to ever participate in Valentine's Day. I think it is one thing to blindly do whatever the Kay Jewelers tell us to do. I think it is a very different thing to understand the implications of your actions and the root of them. I completely disagree with the exploitation of love carried out by diamond retailers and greeting card companies. However, I am going to use the day as a way to remind myself to be free with my love. Someday I will make my kids Valentine's cards and chocolate and heart-shaped peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. But with all of that, I will teach them and the individual I am in love with to continue to view the holiday with anxiety.

The start of something wonderful?

Have you ever had one of those moments when something little and seemingly insignificant happens in your life, and then, later, your mind starts wandering and you begin applying that one little thing to the rest of your life? Perhaps the only way I can aptly describe this hypothetical situation is by dictating my own experience.

Not too terribly long ago I got my hair cut. Ridiculously small and insignificant, huh? Well, at the end of the actual cutting, the woman (adorable Puerto Rican woman who attempted to convince me that I should join the pageant circuit because of my hair. She was absolutetly adorable and wonderful, even in her attempts at flattery in hopes of a tip (at trap which, of course, I fell prey to)) asked me if I wanted her to blow dry it and style it. I said of course, relishing in the few minutes of pampering that I otherwise would not have received. Well, she started combing my hair and asked me on which side I parted it. Before I had the chance to tell her, she responded "oh nevermind. Your hair naturally falls to this side." Once again awfully insignificant. However, the interesting thing was that I actually parted my hair on the opposing side my entire life. Now, stick with me. I know this sounds unbearably boring and ridiculous.

The significance of all this did not hit me until much later.

For my entire life up until that moment sitting in the chair at the salon, I had trained myself and my hair to lay a certain way. Then, someone I only had known for moments lifted these blinders. My hair NATURALLY fell the other way. Despite all my efforts to foce it the other, this woman who didn't even know me revealed to me that I had been doing things all wrong. I had been working so hard at something that should have come naturally.

Now I know this is still a far cry from some revelation, but what if this is the reality of my life? I have worked so hard and forced myself to be so diligent in my studies and in my work ethic. Along the way, I have repeatedly pushed myself and forced myself to do things that I didn't have the natural inclination to do. Could there be something out there for me that comes "naturally"? Something that just makes sense and doesn't come at the expense of so much pushing and prying?

For some reason I can't get this out of my mind.

Perhaps that is one of the factors that has led me to this blog. One thing that I know does not come "naturally" for me is writing. I am a horrible writer. I love words and semantics, yet I think I lack the ability to put them in some order that is appealing to the ear or eye.

Recently, a person that I have a lot of respect for from afar started a blog. In some odd way, this gave me a certain boost of confidence to attempt to tackle one myself. There is something incredibly therapuetic about cleansing your mind and heart and putting it on paper (or on a computer sceen). So perhaps this is the beginning of an epic failure. Or, much less likely, the start of soemthing wonderful.