Anxious thoughts on Valentine's Day

So last weekend was Valentine's Day. Now don't get me wrong. I definitely think that Valentine's Day is completely exploited and devoid of any real "romantic" meaning. However, despite anyone's best attempts, the amazing marketing power of our capitalistic society forces thoughts of "love" and "lust" into our minds. It got me thinking about past Valentine's days.

Oddly enough, the only one I could really think of was one while I was in high school. Back in the CM days, I was blessed enough to have a wonderful group of friends. Who would have thought that so many wonderful people would take in a horribly nerdy, up tight girl like myself. Well, despite appropriate rationale, I became enmeshed in this tight-knit group of fabulous friends. One Valentines day, we decided to exchange gifts amongst ourselves.

Talk about making you feel loved on Valentine's day: a group of friends celebrating the friendly love that existed between us all. Just wonderful.

Still to this day, that Valentine's day was surrounded by a little bit of secrecy and intrigue. Someone had put a rose and a note in my mailbox. Now I don't remember what the note said. I bet if I looked hard enough in my old bedroom tucked in some shoebox I could probably find it. However, what has stuck with me is the feeling. I don't know if I ever told anyone about this rose other than my family members. I was so scared that it was a joke. That someone was pulling a prank on me.

Needless to say I was not the most popular girl in high school. Much like a lot of girls who did not find themselves in the world of cheerleading or post-football game bonfires, I was the end of a few hateful high school "pranks" by the "popular" kids. Now don't get me wrong. If I were to go back to high school (ugh someone help me) I wouldn't change a thing. As I already mentioned, I was blessed with this fabulous group of friends, an amazing first love, (at the time) a decently happy family life, and enough ambition to take on the world. Wouldn't change it for anything. But how sad is it that one of the few times in my life I felt that amazing feeling of being secretly desired by someone, I couldn't let myself be excited out of fear of being the butt of someone's joke yet again? Thankfully, I have come a long way since then.

This Valentine's Day I didn't receive any secret roses hidden in my mailbox (ha in a different mailbox however, I did receive an Obama action figure - I think my desires and fancies have change a bit since I was sixteen because I still got that same feeling in my stomach). This Valentine's Day came and went without much of anything. However, I did do some reflecting. And in that reflecting, I have come to the almost complete rejection of this "holiday." Now, I don't think I'm bitter or jaded. I think I am much more realistic. I try to be grounded. I try to look at this world full of anxiety. I try to be honest with myself. Now, I am still a hopeless romantic. I am a sucker for flowers (preferably ones that are grown by a neighbor or friend and not cultivated somewhere far removed from me through the suffering of others). Plus, chocolate is probably my best friend.

I can't in good confidence say that I am not going to ever participate in Valentine's Day. I think it is one thing to blindly do whatever the Kay Jewelers tell us to do. I think it is a very different thing to understand the implications of your actions and the root of them. I completely disagree with the exploitation of love carried out by diamond retailers and greeting card companies. However, I am going to use the day as a way to remind myself to be free with my love. Someday I will make my kids Valentine's cards and chocolate and heart-shaped peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. But with all of that, I will teach them and the individual I am in love with to continue to view the holiday with anxiety.