The rush down the aisle

Recently I feel as though everyone around me (especially from my hometown) has been not only walking down the aisle but rushing to it. I am trying to figure out this phenomenon. Don't get me wrong, I understand the concept of marriage. I think that it has a lot of importance in a lot of peoples' lives. I especially understand if the couple is religious. However, if that is not the case, I just can't seem to understand the concept of getting married at such a young age. I just turned 24 a month ago. I have been in multiple long-term relationships and have been in love my fair share of times. I used to think that I would get married too. However, recently I have really done a lot of thinking about the institution of marriage.

First and foremost, marriage is obviously a patriarchal institution. It is legislatively set up and continues to thrive on a system in which the woman is subordinate to the man.

Second, as someone who is a supporter of the LGBT community, I can't justify taking part in an institution that actively discriminates against a large portion of the population.

Thirdly, let's be honest with ourselves. I know your love is "a love unlike any other," and all that jazz, but what is it? 50% of all marriages in the states end in divorce? Now I fully understand that relationships come and go, and if you find yourself in a situation in which you are unhappy, I am a full supporter of divorce. However, why do we put ourselves through the emotional havoc of "filing for divorce" when breaking up with someone? Why does the state even have to be involved?

Ok, so there is a small portion of my laundry list of reasons why I am not a fan of marriage, but I am still trying to figure out why everyone is running down the aisle. Like I stated before, I do think that religion is a large portion of it. "god" says that you can't have sex until you are married. Ok, I get that people want to have sex, so maybe marriage justifies that for some people. But what I have found is that the vast majority of these couples have already had sex (don't worry, they are good christians so despite the fact that they are breaking one of their god's rules, they won't go to hell because they go to church every sunday. But you damn sodomites, you're headed straight to hell regardless.). So why the rush?

Honestly it confuses me. I'm determined that it is not the professing of love to the world, because you don't need a marriage certificate to do that. I get the $ thing - sometimes it makes more sense to be legally married. But, honestly, at times I think it has a lot to do with just getting all your friends together. Now, I know that this is going to piss people off, but it's one of the possible reasons that makes sense. If you have "true, lasting" love, then it's not going anywhere.....

Thinking about marriage and the reasons for it have also made me think a lot about having children recently. Just the other day I went and saw the must-see musical Spring Awakening. First off, I wish everyone could see it. It si basically about the effects of parents not talking to their children about sex.

I was incredibly lucky in this situation. My parents were very open (sometimes too open) about sex from a very young age. I think that this definitely led me to be more educated and cautious when exploring my sexuality. I always took this for granted. After seeing this though and constantly reevaluating how I want to eventually raise my children, I can't stress the importance of treating your children as little PEOPLE! I think that the more we hide from our children and the more we shelter him, the more harm it does in the long run. Now i know I don't have kids yet and I will still have a lot of learning and evaluating to do, but, damn people, talk to your children like the free-thinking, autonomous individuals that they are.

Really? Helen Keller Jokes Pervading our Music?

Ok, so I am home for the weekend. While in the city, I vary rarily listen to the radio. Which can be both a positive and negative thing. I fear that I limit myself to certain genres of music at times. However, I came upon this wonderful jem of a song that made me incredibly happy that I tend to avoid the radio and the sexist/anti-humanist shit that is put on it.

"Don't Trust Me" by 3Oh!3

I wish I were making this up. Here are some of the lyrics.

"Shush girl, shut your lips.
Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips."

Seriously. No joke. This is what I hear blaring on the radio this morning while having a cup of coffee with my sister. How fucking sick is that? There are so many different things to unpack with this one. First and foremost is the obvious Helen Keller joke. Seriously? "Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips"? That's appropriate? How does such a disgusting line ever get put into a song? And if it is in a song, how does that song get picked up by a label? And how does it ever get played on the radio? And how are people not up in arms about it?

I am so tired of shit like this being ok to say. Words have power. That's all there is to it. And people who walk around saying shit like this like it is acceptable are disgusting. I don't know how humanity got to the point to not give a fuck about who is hurt. I mean thinking about it. It is all connected.

Why does someone say something like this?

I think it is mainly because people have become far too desensitized. We have removed ourselves from the pain that other people feel. It is sick. I am not a religious person (proud atheist), but I do believe that we are all connected. We are all connected because we are all in this together. I truly believe that I am connected to every other person on this planet because we are all dealing with this shit together. But we have all become so isolated in our own little worlds that we fail to see how our actions affect others.

I mean, we have our core group of friends and family members that we would never want to offend. And we would get pissed if someone made a comment around them that upset them.

Well, it shouldn't matter if that person is your best friend or someone you don't know at all. Everyone feels pain. Everyone cries. Everyone carries burdens with them.

So all this fucked up "desensitized" shit is all connected. Whether it is a musician saying hateful shit like that song or institutionalized prejudice against homosexuals or mass genocide - it is all connected. It is all happening because we have removed ourselves from the bigger picture.

But the reality is that we are all connected. And what hurts someone else, hurts me. And this song is just at the top of my list of things that pissed me off today. I mean really. Come on people. We are all better than this.

Random Thoughts

Ok, so I work at a coffeeshop. As weird as this may sound, I really enjoy my job. I love interacting with people, and I am a morning person; so it just seems to fit. However, I just want to bitch for a second about asshole people. I am so fucking tired of dealing with complete jerks coming into the store and treating me like a moron. Just because someone is serving you in one way or another Mr. High-Up Bank Dude does not mean that he or she is stupid. There is no need to be condescending or demeaning. As a matter of fact, I would speak to someone in my position much nicer than I would a lot of other people because WE ARE SERVING YOU SOMETHING YOU ARE GOING TO INGEST. Plus, I have control over your caffeine level, so don't piss me off. Ha :)

I am currently in the middle of an amazing book. Everyone should check out The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. I know I am only half way through it, but I am loving it. As sad as it is, I kind of want to finish it because I have like 10 other amazing books stacked in my "to read" pile and they are driving me crazy.

I don't know if I have talked about this on here, but everyone should read the book Red Tent: especially any woman. It will completely change the way you feel as a woman and how you connect with other women. I can't wait to have daughters and re-read this book with them.

Speaking of daughters, I had this interesting conversation the other day. I was talking to the amazing Sarah, and I said something about how I hope I have boys when I have kids because I don't think I will be good raising girls. Well, Sarah called my ass out (thankfully). The more I thought about her comments, the more correct I realized she was. I am actually quite disgusted with myself for ever saying that. There is no doubt that I have reservations about having daughters. I know the shit that is ready in this world to greet them. However, as Sarah pointed out, I am someone who should be having daughters. I know that I am capable of raising intelligent, worldly, kick-ass feminist daughters. I know I will also raise kick-ass feminist sons that are gender sensitive, but I should never hope to not have daughters. Ugh....I grossed myself out even thinking like that.

Finally, an uplifting note, spring is finally on its fucking way. Woo.

Easter

So...as ridiculous as this is, this blog is in response to a lot of thinking I have done recently about my facebook status. Beings that the Christian community just recently celebrated Easter, I have been giving even more thought to my atheist ways. I have always been bugged by people saying "God Bless" to me despite people telling me that I am over-reacting and whatnot. I am not saying that I get pissed off when someone is just wishing me well, I just get annoyed. Easter has brought this level of annoyance to an increased level.

In trying to figure out what it is that annoys me about all of this, here is what I have come up with:

I think something that bothers me in general are assumptions based on normativity. Maybe this is weird, but I get annoyed when people assume that I am straight. Now, it is true that I do date men, but I think it's just this assumption that pisses me off. There is a large portion of our population that lives always having to fight this stereotype and assumption. Well, I guess I try to fight this normativity as well as a type of unification. And I think that is what pisses me off about wishing me a happy easter. Now I know that sounds ridiculous, but think about it for a second.

In this country there is such an extreme christian-normativity. Well I am not a christian. Some people say that I shouldn't say anything and should just like take the well-wishing. Which, I do to a certain extent. However, it just pisses me off that people assume such a personal thing like religion.

Maybe that's all part of it to. These so-called "religious" holidays are so far removed from religion and spirituality and instead are all about consumerism that it makes me sick. People say happy easter to anyone and everyone without even taking a second to think about the religious connotations of what they are saying. I mean easter is apparently the day the christ rose from the grave all zombie-like, right? Well, I don't believe that happened. So, I don't celebrate easter. So don't assume I do.

I guess it can very easily be thought that I am definitely over-reacting to all this. But honestly, the more I think about it, the more it pisses me off. I mean, I could be jewish, muslim, hindu, christian, agnostic, anything. I know a LOT of christians who would be pissed if when we were hanging out and talking about something good happening in their lives I just responded with "praise be to allah" instead of "thank god." And these are the people that tell me that I shouldn't get upset about someone telling me happy easter. Well, maybe they don't even realize how religious that comment really is. It's just so ridiculous. Now I am all for all religions being able to do whatever makes them happy. They can pray, sing praise, worship in anyway they want. That's the whole point. But there shouldn't be this assumption regarding religion. So maybe I am over-reacting, but I have a voice and I am bound and determined to put that voice to good use. In this case, I am speaking up against the christian-normativity in this country. Don't assume that someone is christian. Ask. Start a dialogue. Understand a culture different than yours. If someone were to just ask me if I celebrate easter before sending me an empty "happy easter" sentiment, maybe we would get a little closer to understanding one another.

Where to begin?

So last night I wanted Bill Maher's Religulous. Overall, great movie with great points. A couple of things I did not like about it: 1) it was obviously clipped together in a way that made the interviewees look uneducated and dumb. If Maher's point was really "doubt" and that nobody knows the truth, he should not have set out to make religious people look as ridiculous as he did. It went against his proposed point. 2) I did not like his portrayal of Islam. He very much attempted to show it as being an incredibly violent religion. I don't think he did justice to the faith, and I also don't believe he drew as many parallels between Christianity and Islam.

I was a big fan of the movie overall. Despite my critiques of it, I do believe that it had quite a few good points.

One of which was similar to the one I made in a conversation I recently had with an old friend. We were discussing religion, and the current state of the environment came up. I have a large problem with religions predicting the end of the world because it seems as though a lot of religious people are saying that the current environmental problems could be the beginning of the end of the world as predicted by their religions. HOWEVER, with this comes a lack of responsibility for each of our roles in the degredation of our world around us. That's one of my biggest problems with religion. A complete lack of responsibility for actions.

I mean let's take Christianity. God knows that we are all sinners. That's why she let her son die: for our sins. So as sinners, it is ok to sin as long as we repent and still believe that Jesus is the son of god. Well, you know...I take major issue with this. It is SO easy to say that we are all going to sin. No one is perfect. The only perfect person was jesus. That allows us to sleep at night. We don't have to be responsible for our actions. Now don't get me wrong, I have fucked up my fair share of times and did things I should not have done, but I have to deal with what I did. I don't trun to some go to ask for forgiveness. I deal with it within myself.

I am learning that there is a lot of power in my atheism, and I do need to be more vocal about it than I have been in the past because it is something that I feel quite strongly about.

So today, I was incredibly excited because I don't have to be at work until noon, so that means I get to watch the View! However, I turned on the tv to see that the cast of the View was at Disneyland, and Cinderella was right there with them. Now I did not even watch the entire show because I was so frustrated. Cinderella was standing behind the other girls, and she did not say a single word (except Thank you as she walked off). That's my EXACT problem with Fairy Tales. Any woman that I have respect for has a VOICE! She has an opinion on something. She speaks.

And this goes beyond stupid fairy tales (which I have TONS of problems with), I have realized that I enjoy surrounding myself with people that stand up for themselves and have a voice. I spent a lot of my life trying to be everything for everyone else, and for all intents and purposes, I had no voice. However, I have worked REALLY hard over the past few years to develop and explore my voice. And I enjoy people who have done the same. I don't care if a person's opinions are the complete opposite of mine, I just respect people who have some sort of an opinion and voice.

Gender Relationships

The mind is not asleep just yet...

So I was reading this article on Feministing.com, and I came across this way of looking at the gender roles within a relationship that was new to me. Well a little background is that there is a woman who is dating a man who enjoys cross-dressing. The woman wants to be alright with it, but it is causing problems in her, the relationship, (ugh damn oxford commas! I don't know if I need one there or not!) and their sex life. So, the woman wrote into another woman, and here is an excerpt from her response.

"Gender matters in relationships. I don't mean gender as in sex. I mean gender as the percentage we want our partners to be masculine and feminine. You found someone whose percentage worked for you - both sexually and in a relationship - now that percentage has changed. What does this mean for your own percentage?"

Now I admit that I am going to work this out on here. I haven't given much thought to this yet, so some of my comments may be ignorant at first. Hopefully they will work their way into some intelligent synthesis.

I am thinking about the proportions of the different genders (masculine and feminine) within relationships in my life. The typical ones are the least interesting (no offense). I mean I have one friend who is uber-girly (in a wonderful way), so obviously the guy that she is dating is super masculine. They seem to fit together in a predictable yin-yang kind of way.

But what about other relationships that aren't as cut and dry? If you have a masculine, straight woman, is she going to be attracted to a more feminine man? Or, is it just each person has his or her own comfort level and desired level of each gender within the relationship?

I am trying to sort out my feelings regarding this gendered outlook on relationships. In a way it makes sense. But on another level, I think it kind of perpetuates the socialized definitions of "masculine" and "feminine." I also think that it can easily be used to perpetuate these standardized roles within relationships. It is just odd to think of someone as a percentage feminine and a percentage masculine. I can't put my finger on what bothers me about it exactly, but I know something does. I think just the usage of the words bothers me for some weird reason.

I think the woman was basically saying that because the girl now knows that her boyfriend cross-dresses, his masculine to feminine ratio has been altered. He is now more feminine. But does cross-dressing necessarily make a man feminine? I am trying to think of real-life examples. Let's take Ellen Degeneres for an example. I think she partakes in cross-dressing (at a VERY socially-acceptable level). She wears stereotypically "male" clothing. I think that people do deem her to be more masculine.

BUT, what I find interesting is the sex appeal of a woman wearing men's clothing as well. There's that rock band commercial (or guitar hero...don't know) in which they are re-enacting the infamous scene from Risky Business. I think most men would agree that when Heidi Klum is wearing the underware and man's white collared shirt, there is nothing "masculine" about it.

So, maybe that's where I have the problem. It is not that the usage of the concept of a masculine-feminine percentage of a person, it is the leap from a man cross-dressing to him obviously being more feminine.

Hmmm....still can't wrap my head around it right now. Something to think about though....

Oh yea...

It's international women's day. rock on. word.

Sadly nothing exciting

So this weekend is over, and I hate to report that my mind did not stumble onto too many fabulous things over the past few days. Therefore, nothing too exciting to report. However, I am incredibly excited about some new book purchases.

First off, I am finishing up Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood. Rock on Margaret. This book is pretty stellar. Atwood is a well-known feminist writer, and the way that she intertwines feminist issues into a novel such as Blind Assassin is pretty badass. Rock on.

I cashed my tips and of course found myself at the used bookstore to see what I could get for $14 bucks. I walked out with some treasures. I of course bought another Tom Robbins book. He just is so damn progressive with how he writes. Vonnegut-esc, and we all know I love Vonnegut. So yea, I picked up "Even Cowgirls get the Blues."

I also FINALLY purches a copy of Madame Bovary. Super excited to delve into this one at some point in time.

I also made a much-needed addition to my ever-growing book collection: A Brave New World. I don't know how, but this one has slipped lower and lower on my book list over the past few years (embarrassingly, I know), and I have yet to have ever read it.

So yea, three new purchases plus many more on my list to borrow from Sarah. Ha Sarah and I joke all the time about moving in together and how amazing it is going to be. We are going to have the most kick ass book collection ever.

So other than a few book purchases, I also got certified as a barista at Caribou. Pretty sweet huh? I make a mean latte.....

Final thought before I try to get sleepy (work at 5 am), Damien Rice is amazing. 9 might be one of the best cds I have listened to in a while. Fits my mood pretty perfectly right now.

Hoping to have something worth reading to throw down on here in the next couple of days....

More Randomness

I love Rachel Maddow. Thanks to the rents for introducing me to her. Unfortunately I don't get to watch her as much as I would like. However, two of my worlds collided today. Yes, Rachel Maddow was on The View. Because of work I couldn't watch it as it aired, but trust me, I checked it out on youtube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjZmErjFhK4

She is just awesome. Sometimes I just laugh though when people who are gay are asked about their "coming out" moment. Haha. I think it is so ridiculous that it is still such a big deal. I mean seriously, I don't remember having to have a conversation with my parents telling them that I think I like boys ha. Well, sexuality is just ridiculous anyway. I don't feel the need to define my sexuality. Is that weird? I don't think so. Sometimes I just want to shake things up a bit. It's so funny how everything has to be black or white. Think about it, when you first see a person, your brain has been trained to immediately identify the person as male or female, black or white, gay or straight. Those are the thoughts that immediately and normally sub-consciously go through your head. Isn't that just crazy? That's something I am actively attempting to reprogram within myself. A little gray never killed anyone, and honestly, I am finding it liberating.

It's just so funny how society has to place people into boxes. Democrat or republican. Male or female. Black or white. Gay or straight. Believer or "non-believer". Citizen or immigrant. Conformist or social deviant.

Come on people, let's open our minds. There exists other options. Remember those multiple choice tests we used to take?

A. Democrat
B. Republican
C. None of the above
D. Both A & B

Let's start opening our minds to options C and D. It can apply in all the situations I mentioned earlier. I mean, think about it....

A. Straight
B. Gay
C. None of the above
D. Both A & B

Go ahead and apply it to the others. Allow your mind to open up a little bit and not be so set in stone. Liberate yourself. Liberate others.

Random thoughts

So many random things have been going through my head recently that I haven't been able to sit down and write one blog on one topic. So I guess this is just some random thoughts that have been stirring up some emotion of some sort in me....

So I haven't eaten meat in two months. I am not calling myself a "vegetarian" because it is something that I am still working on and still developing my full thoughts on. I am not eating meat for ethical reasons, and it feels wonderful. I try to live life like Ghandi said "be the change you wish to see in the world." I understand that me (one person) not eating meat and not partaking in the animal cruelty that exists in our culture is not going to make a huge difference, but I also believe that I should know that I am at least acting as I wish every did. So I guess I get some peace in that. Something that I have found incredibly interesting throughout this process of giving up meat is the reaction of other people. It is incredibly laughable at times when people who obviously do not spend much time being concerned about the vitamins they are putting into their body are quick to grill me on how I am getting enough protein and B12. I am really curious how many people think on a daily basis if they got all their nutrients for the day. I also think it is interesting when people get all worked up about ME not eating meat. It's just such a funny situation. I have come to the conclusion that anyone who has that much of a problem with it and takes it personally is basically just having internal turmoil. It is just interesting...

Something else that was brought up today during work was this country's weird relationship with breasts. It is amazing how breasts at one moment can be such wonderful, glorified things. On tv, you can see breasts thrown into every sex scene. When viewed as solely sexual objects, Americans eat that shit up. However, the second a woman uses her breasts to feed her children, she should be ashamed. It's so funny. People don't get all worked up about women flashing their breasts during Mardi Gras at a parade, but if a woman breast feeds in public, she is a disgrace. Bizarre. Think about it people....

I have written three different versions on a blog about love and my struggles with it. I can't seem to put it all into words, so that one is hopefully coming in the near future....

I have decided that I am going to be that crazy person that is standing on the street corners holding a cardboard sign saying "the end is near." Last night when I couldn't sleep (despite having to be up at 3am this morning), I of course found myself watching the history channel. It was a special on Nostradamus and this prophecies. Holy shit. I am freaking out and am slightly convinced that the world is going to end in 3 years. As horrible as it is, I found one thing REALLY funny. One of the prophecies of his is in regards to volcanic activity. Well, apparently Yellowstone is in the freaking red zone (did anyone know this???) and it could basically erupt at any time if triggered. Well, in Obama's stimulus package, he allotted a sum of money to be spent on volcanic research and monitoring. Republicans are up in arms about this. (haha why worry about natural disasters? That's never bit us in the ass before.) Wouldn't that just be the ultimate bitch if Republicans realized how misguided and skewed their perspectives can be if a freaking volcano erupted and killed thousands of people? I mean I hate to think these horrible thoughts, but come on people....PREVENTION!!!!!

I wish people loved a little more freely and were a little bit more honest about their feelings. People should also hug more.

I think that's it for tonight. I have a feeling more will be coming soon.....

Ok, so another thing I have to admit is that I watch the view. I LOVE the View. To me, even though they go off on these ridiculous tangents, there is something wonderful in a show of all women discussing many very relevant issues of the day.

Well, today, they started talking about the whole Rhianna and Chris Brown situation. First off, I am sick and tired of see this everywhere. I think it is an issue that should be discussed because it could help to shine light on all the domestic abuse that happens in our world. However, I can't handle shows flashing the horrible picture that the ever-so-lovely TMZ got their discussing little grubby hands on. It is just disturbing. TMZ is exploiting a woman and what she wants to be a private situation in order to increase their number of viewers. Fuck off.

But anyway, so off of this topic, the women on the View started talking about the problem with a lack of self-confidence in teenage women today. Oh the ever-so-closed minded and hypocritical Elizabeth started discussing the fact that women need to "honor their bodies" and take control of them. (haha she sounds pretty pro-choice if you ask me (if she only knew)). Well she goes on to say that basically a woman cannot honor her body if she chooses to have sex at a "young" age because somehow that is a man taking control over her. Now this just pissed me right off. How dare someone assume that a woman is not IN FACT taking control and honoring her body by having sex. She is a conscious being who is capable of making educated decisions on her own. I just am so tired of people assuming that a woman is not capable of making these decisions on her own. So frustrating....

Today is going to be a long day with thoughts like these running in my mind all day....

American Idol

Ok, so I admit it. I watch American Idol. Part of the reason is because it serves as excellent bonding time with my roommate, but I will admit it, I enjoy it. However, tonight definitely pissed me off.

Hopefully people will post some of the performances/comments on youtube. Take a few minutes and listen to what the wonderful judges had to say about Jeanine's performance. Ok, so there's no doubt that she butchered a Maroon 5 song. But seriously, all they were talking about were her legs and her lips. How fucking disgusting. I understand the whole pairing a negative comment with a positive one, but the only positive thing they had to say was incredibly sexist. They tore her apart as a person, and she, as a person, was being defined solely by a "hot pair of legs." Vomit.

And I am sick and tired of the gay jokes between Ryan and Simon. Double vomit. The two of them are attempting to put each other down, and the only way they can do so is by attempting to make their sexuality a joke. I just can't even handle it. I can't handle one man attempting to put down another in this way.

This is definitely not on the same track as American Idol, but I am frustrated. I can't stand it when men put other men down by calling them "woman, pussy, cunt, gay, fag, etc." It is so damn misogynistic it makes me sick. Seriously, the only way that you can put another guy down is to call him either gay or to equate him to a woman. Talk about pissing me off. Apparently the worst thing a guy can say to another guy is to call him a woman. Wow...I had no idea it was so horrible to have been born female....

Vomit.

Correspondences

So this morning I have yet to read any articles that have pissed me off, frustrated me, made me sad, or evoked any feeling worth reading about. However, this morning was a morning of correspondences. After reading a much awaited email from a good friend, I got thinking.

I truly have AMAZING people in my life.

I have been absolutely blessed (hmmm....I need to evaluate my use of this word) with an amazing group of friends. Currently we are spread literally all around the world. The number of people that have touched my life and helped to mold me into some sort of a decent person is astounding. Former professors, bosses, extended "family", pledge sisters, college friends and roommates, travel buddies...

My college roommates always joke that I could write an incredibly fascinating book about the dating life of a 20-something girl. Ha the joke is that over all my "dating" years I have met some of the most amazing people. Guys from all over the world and guys who want to change the world. Haha I also have some incredibly funny stories about unknowingly dating a complete coke head hahaha!!! (Rach and Erin thought you two would laugh at this part)

But so much more interesting than a book about just my relationship encounters, I find my amazing friendships even more intresting. Maybe I just woke up in a great mood because I was wide awake at 7 this morning and the SUN WAS SHINING into my bedroom. Maybe this Caribou coffee is so much better than Folgers that it perked me up. Maybe I was still in a good mood after a fun night of laughing with the roommate.

Regardless of the reason, I just wanted to put it out there that I know some of the most amazing people. They have somehow accepted me despite all my blazing faults. They have been there for me through some absolutely ridiculously hard struggles. They have been my crutch and sanity more times than I could even start to guess. They have challenged me, been honest with me, opened my eyes to SO many different opinions, inspired me and loved me.

Behind every strong woman is a gang of other amazingly strong women (and men).

If anyone wants some book suggestions, here is what I am working on currently.

"Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates" Tom Robbins has not let me down in this one. He is just so original and so hilarious. LOVE HIM!

Finishing up "Palm Sunday" which is just a collection of Vonnegut speeches and essays. The world is not the same without his brilliant mind. (And the brilliant mind of George Carlin - we lost two pretty amazing dissenting opinions in the past couple years....so sad)

Still working my way through "Female Chauvanist Pigs" by Ariel Levy. It is a really easy read, but I am just struggling with understanding her perspective.

My huge bookshelf is taunting me with the number of books up there that still need to be read! But, even worse, I have a gift card to Borders that I am definitely going to go spend soon. Oh and for what it's worth, don't go to borders or barnes and noble (I'm a hypocrite huh? just because I have a gift card!). Find your local used bookstore and go there. I have my favorite in the city and go there pretty much weekly. You'll meet some amazing people and find some great finds for only a few dollars!

Ok...so I had no intention of writing again today, but the reality of it all is that this blog is proving to be incredibly therapeutic for me and I am learning more and more about myself through it all.

Well, obviously I am writing again. And therefore something had to provoke me to fire up the computer. Well, I stepped outside of my apartment earlier waiting for Sarah to pick me up. While waiting for the car to pull up, a man smiles at me. He has a handful of pamplets. He walks over and hands one to me. Not surprisingly, it is a pamplet titled "God's Simple Plan of Salvation." He says "I wouldn't want you to miss out on the single most important thing in your life." I read the title, and as both an atheist and an environmentalist, I incredibly politely just try to hand it back to him. Not being rude or inconsiderate in the least. I just hated to waste one of his pamplets on me. There could be someone else walking down the street that would put it to better use than I would. But, he gives me this smirk and says, "I think you need this and you wouldn't want to miss this opportunity to save yourself."

Now, like I said, I am an atheist. I try not to use the term "non-believer" because I don't believe it is an accurate representation of myself. The connotation of "nonbeliever" is that the only belief that exists is a belief in god. I "believe" in a number of things. I believe in the power of love. I believe in humanity. I believe in myself. I believe in peace. I believe in a number of things.

I also want to just put it out there that I have NO problems with any person based on his/her religion. The vast majority of my friends would be considered quite religious. They are all amazing people that I have had a number of long and intense conversations. We have a mutual respect for one another. I do not try to convert them to atheism, and they do not try to convert me to Christianity. I have also attempted the religious thing for myself a number of times. I have taken part in a busy-persons retreat, and I did not walk out of it feeling any closer to god or Jesus. I did leave with a friendship with a wonderful woman Sister Anna. I have been to church a number of times, and I have felt a wonderful feeling of community. It is powerful to have a room full of people believing in something together. However, I have always left those services feeling closer to humanity than to a god. Religion is awesome and works for a lot of people, just not me.

So, with that preface, I have to go back to this pamplet. I tried not to be offended by the chance encounter. I tried not to be offended by the man's smirk like he was better than me. I tried not to be offended by the words in this pamplet telling me that I was condemned to an eternity in "hell." Even more importantly, I tried not to be offended by this pamplet stating that anyone who does not believe in Jesus Christ as the son of god is condemned to an eternity in hell. But here's the thing. I am offended.

I find it incredibly hard to believe that a god who preaches the power of love would condemn anyone to a life of "hell:" especially moral individuals who either believe in a different god or who chose not to believe in a religion. I just find the whole concept of passing out pamplets that say I am going to hell completely unneccesary. An obvious "scare-tactic" such as this is not going to put me in a church (oh yes, did I forget to mention that this was a pamplet for a particular church - no alterior motives at all for this pamplet).

I recently read this book entitled "Lamb" by Christopher Moore. Now, this is an incredibly humorous approach to the topic, but Moore attempts to explain the missing 30 years of Jesus's life. In this incredibly funny and idealistic portrayal, Moore shows Jesus traveling the world with his best friend Biff, taking lessons and concepts from the other amazing religious leaders around the world. How wonderfully idealistic. Unity among all the religions....simply beautiful...

One final idea. I have always said that I think religion has this amazing way of providing individuals with this amazing sense of unity and community. It brings people together. It makes you feel as though you are part of something larger than yourself. Let's face it. Life can be painful, brutish and short. It is lonely. Painfully lonely at times. Vonnegut once said "Any time I see a person fleeing from reason and into religion, I think to myself, There goes a peson who simply cannot stand being so goddamned lonely anymore." Now I don't think I am as strong in my convictions as Vonnegut was (he had a few more decades on me...give me time), but I see his point. This world is a painfully lonely place. Religion helps to fill that void for a lot of people, and that is amazing. It strengthens them and gives them hope. I love that. I think religion can be such an amazing thing. However, it is just not for me. I fill that lonely void through a bus ride, a walk down a busy street, an afternoon in a park, a good book.

To each their own, but goodness, it concerns me that people are still passing out condescending pamplets telling people that if they do not believe in a Christian god and if they do not "save" themselves that they are going to hell.....

I am going to keep hoping for a new day.

Incessant Apologizing

So I am addicted to feministing.com. Honestly, very few things make me both concurrently elated and pissed off at the same time. Feministing.com is definitely one of those things.

This morning, I decided to pamper myself a bit by not immediately tackling my mile-long to do list, and instead, I brewed some Caribou coffee (one of the perks of the job ha), turned on some Ani and sat down in front of my computer screen.

Like always, feministing.com failed to let me down. First off, everyone should read this speech if you get a few minutes about the rise of the so-called "hook-up culture" on college campuses. It is absolutely brilliant and brings up a number of interesting issues and contradictions that face women every day. Check it out here: http://www.feministing.com/archives/013806.html#more

But while checking out the newest posts, I came across this article that truly touched home (a little more than every other article...). You can read it here if you are interested:
http://community.feministing.com/2009/02/stop-apologizing.html

But basically, here's the thing. Everyone who knows me well ends up commenting on the number of times I apologize. I always have attributed it to being brought up in a very polite family and just not wanting to unnecessarily ruffle any feathers. Why not just apologize and smooth over the situation? Well, after reading this article, I have actually started thinking about the real reasons as to why I apologize so damn much. I'm not joking you. The number of times I say "sorry" in a day could probably rival the number of times Bush mispronounced Iraq throughout his time in office.

So, I am actually taking this to heart. I'm done unnecessarily apologizing for EXISTING. I am allowed to walk, to breath, to speak, to exist. It is not something I should apologize. Much like the article states, if I do something actually "wrong" and harmful, I most certainly will apologize sincerely. However, I am going to actually make a promise to myself to stop apologizing for no reason. I am stronger than that. I realized that the reasons that I actually apologize so much are not because of my polite upbringing or anything of that sort. I, for approximately 20 years of my life, have viewed myself as inferiority to everyone around me. In my head everyone in the world is more welcome to the ground I walk on than I am. Everyone else has every right to voice his or her opinions, except me. Well, those days are limited.

I mean, take last night for example. I was on the phone with a wonderful friend, and I got on this huge sidebar. I talked for approximately 5 minutes straight about something that I assumed the other person didn't necessarily want to hear. However, it was something that had been bothering me about our relationship for a while, and it made me feel better to get it out there. It was not in any way mean or hurtful. My tirade was actually full of compliments and desires. However, because silence followed, I immediately began apologizing for voicing my opinion. Well, after reading this article, I am realizing how ridiculous that is....So, I'm not sorry. Whew...In some strange way I feel better.

It is amazing how empowering it can be to own your thoughts and feelings and not feel sorry for them....

Anxious thoughts on Valentine's Day

So last weekend was Valentine's Day. Now don't get me wrong. I definitely think that Valentine's Day is completely exploited and devoid of any real "romantic" meaning. However, despite anyone's best attempts, the amazing marketing power of our capitalistic society forces thoughts of "love" and "lust" into our minds. It got me thinking about past Valentine's days.

Oddly enough, the only one I could really think of was one while I was in high school. Back in the CM days, I was blessed enough to have a wonderful group of friends. Who would have thought that so many wonderful people would take in a horribly nerdy, up tight girl like myself. Well, despite appropriate rationale, I became enmeshed in this tight-knit group of fabulous friends. One Valentines day, we decided to exchange gifts amongst ourselves.

Talk about making you feel loved on Valentine's day: a group of friends celebrating the friendly love that existed between us all. Just wonderful.

Still to this day, that Valentine's day was surrounded by a little bit of secrecy and intrigue. Someone had put a rose and a note in my mailbox. Now I don't remember what the note said. I bet if I looked hard enough in my old bedroom tucked in some shoebox I could probably find it. However, what has stuck with me is the feeling. I don't know if I ever told anyone about this rose other than my family members. I was so scared that it was a joke. That someone was pulling a prank on me.

Needless to say I was not the most popular girl in high school. Much like a lot of girls who did not find themselves in the world of cheerleading or post-football game bonfires, I was the end of a few hateful high school "pranks" by the "popular" kids. Now don't get me wrong. If I were to go back to high school (ugh someone help me) I wouldn't change a thing. As I already mentioned, I was blessed with this fabulous group of friends, an amazing first love, (at the time) a decently happy family life, and enough ambition to take on the world. Wouldn't change it for anything. But how sad is it that one of the few times in my life I felt that amazing feeling of being secretly desired by someone, I couldn't let myself be excited out of fear of being the butt of someone's joke yet again? Thankfully, I have come a long way since then.

This Valentine's Day I didn't receive any secret roses hidden in my mailbox (ha in a different mailbox however, I did receive an Obama action figure - I think my desires and fancies have change a bit since I was sixteen because I still got that same feeling in my stomach). This Valentine's Day came and went without much of anything. However, I did do some reflecting. And in that reflecting, I have come to the almost complete rejection of this "holiday." Now, I don't think I'm bitter or jaded. I think I am much more realistic. I try to be grounded. I try to look at this world full of anxiety. I try to be honest with myself. Now, I am still a hopeless romantic. I am a sucker for flowers (preferably ones that are grown by a neighbor or friend and not cultivated somewhere far removed from me through the suffering of others). Plus, chocolate is probably my best friend.

I can't in good confidence say that I am not going to ever participate in Valentine's Day. I think it is one thing to blindly do whatever the Kay Jewelers tell us to do. I think it is a very different thing to understand the implications of your actions and the root of them. I completely disagree with the exploitation of love carried out by diamond retailers and greeting card companies. However, I am going to use the day as a way to remind myself to be free with my love. Someday I will make my kids Valentine's cards and chocolate and heart-shaped peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. But with all of that, I will teach them and the individual I am in love with to continue to view the holiday with anxiety.

The start of something wonderful?

Have you ever had one of those moments when something little and seemingly insignificant happens in your life, and then, later, your mind starts wandering and you begin applying that one little thing to the rest of your life? Perhaps the only way I can aptly describe this hypothetical situation is by dictating my own experience.

Not too terribly long ago I got my hair cut. Ridiculously small and insignificant, huh? Well, at the end of the actual cutting, the woman (adorable Puerto Rican woman who attempted to convince me that I should join the pageant circuit because of my hair. She was absolutetly adorable and wonderful, even in her attempts at flattery in hopes of a tip (at trap which, of course, I fell prey to)) asked me if I wanted her to blow dry it and style it. I said of course, relishing in the few minutes of pampering that I otherwise would not have received. Well, she started combing my hair and asked me on which side I parted it. Before I had the chance to tell her, she responded "oh nevermind. Your hair naturally falls to this side." Once again awfully insignificant. However, the interesting thing was that I actually parted my hair on the opposing side my entire life. Now, stick with me. I know this sounds unbearably boring and ridiculous.

The significance of all this did not hit me until much later.

For my entire life up until that moment sitting in the chair at the salon, I had trained myself and my hair to lay a certain way. Then, someone I only had known for moments lifted these blinders. My hair NATURALLY fell the other way. Despite all my efforts to foce it the other, this woman who didn't even know me revealed to me that I had been doing things all wrong. I had been working so hard at something that should have come naturally.

Now I know this is still a far cry from some revelation, but what if this is the reality of my life? I have worked so hard and forced myself to be so diligent in my studies and in my work ethic. Along the way, I have repeatedly pushed myself and forced myself to do things that I didn't have the natural inclination to do. Could there be something out there for me that comes "naturally"? Something that just makes sense and doesn't come at the expense of so much pushing and prying?

For some reason I can't get this out of my mind.

Perhaps that is one of the factors that has led me to this blog. One thing that I know does not come "naturally" for me is writing. I am a horrible writer. I love words and semantics, yet I think I lack the ability to put them in some order that is appealing to the ear or eye.

Recently, a person that I have a lot of respect for from afar started a blog. In some odd way, this gave me a certain boost of confidence to attempt to tackle one myself. There is something incredibly therapuetic about cleansing your mind and heart and putting it on paper (or on a computer sceen). So perhaps this is the beginning of an epic failure. Or, much less likely, the start of soemthing wonderful.